邮轮旅行九项须知

如今，旅行者比以往任何时候都更加注重“返璞归真”，但邮轮行业却反其道而行之，在彻头彻尾的人造娱乐领域投入重金。皇家加勒比邮轮公司在这一方面一马当先，其超级邮轮本身就是旅游胜地：邮轮上的餐厅、博彩、百老汇水准的音乐剧、安静的迪斯科舞会、溜冰场、卡拉ok、跳舞俱乐部以及远离尘嚣的体验是如此的引人入胜，一些乘客在邮轮靠岸时甚至连头都懒得抬一下。

因此，当这家公司邀请我担任其最大的邮轮“海洋和谐号”（有5个泰坦尼克号那么大）的临时总监时，我感到自己将迎来人生中最为狂躁的一周。

作为邮轮总监，我的主要责任是确保6322名乘客和2200多名船员能够愉快地度过这段时光。在一周的时间中，我参与了邮轮上各个部门的工作，从邮轮的状态和娱乐一直到船上营收，以确保所有人和所有事情都能和谐地运转。从准备全球最大的自助餐，到预防肠胃疾病，再到款待明星贵客，一旦你成为了这座海上浮城的市长，所有的事情都会变得无比疯狂。

邮轮暗语

暗语对于船员来说至关重要，因为一旦出了什么问题，船员之间的交流不会让乘客们感到惊慌失措。“30-30”是指船员要求维护部门清理脏乱现场；在岗期间，我曾三次提到“PVI”（公共呕吐事件）。“Alpha”意指医疗紧急事件，“Bravo”指的是火情，而“Kilo”则是要求所有员工向其紧急岗位汇报。请留意“Echo”这个词，它是指邮轮开始进入漂流状态，还有“Oscar”这个词，意思是有人从船上落水。一位船员对我说，他在10年的邮轮生涯中仅经历过4-5次“Oscar”事件。

醉酒乘客在邮轮上无可遁形

一说到无限畅饮套餐，人们就会联想到在海上花天酒地，这是不可能的。仅有8%-10%的乘客购买了无限畅饮套餐，皇家加勒比的乘客大多都是以家庭为单位，而且邮轮也会密切监视那些购买了这些套餐的乘客。所有含酒精的饮料都是用量杯倒的。邮轮可能会临时吊销醉酒乘客的邮轮卡（船上的信用卡），从而禁止其在邮轮的所有酒吧饮酒。邮轮上点名频率最高的酒精饮品莫过于火龙肉桂威士忌。

邮轮资深医师伊万·德·拉·洛萨称，当邮轮停靠墨西哥科祖梅尔时，酒精引发的问题最为严重。在陆地上西诺弗洛格斯区毫无节制的饮酒，再加上热带的高温和几杯墨西哥自来水，“公共呕吐事件”也就将成为必然。

邮轮工作人员会经常委婉地提醒乘客

进入船舱，首先映入乘客眼帘的可能是电视屏幕上循环播放的一段有关“洗手”的趣味广告词。它与凯蒂·佩里的歌一样朗朗上口，旨在引导人们前往邮轮的Purel泵。每一个泵都由高级员工特意安放在高密集人流交汇区（例如通过主餐厅和剧院的入口处）。这段广告词是船员为避免出现可能的诺瓦克病毒爆发而采取的举措之一。同样，大型群体活动司仪也会开玩笑说，“你们今天洗了50次手吗？我已经洗了！”。

但卫生只是这种经常性隐性提醒的目的之一。当邮轮的某些区域过于拥挤时，邮轮会通过举行一些推广活动来分散客流，这种让游客在不同区域游走的举措也是在巧妙地刺激游客分散（并提升）其船上消费。例如，如果赌场的营收偏低，高级管理层可能会在离老虎机较远的位置举行抽奖或卡拉ok活动，以鼓励乘客在赌场多逗留（如果能开赌就更理想了）一会。活动经理甚至会在录制每日新闻播报的时候拿着一杯星巴克冰咖啡，以默默地提醒游客，他们可以在第六层享用超大杯拿铁。通常，这些隐性的声明是为了提升邮轮的收益。

邮轮圣经

经验老道的邮轮总监德鲁·帕夫洛夫（也就是我在邮轮上的师傅）有一本圣书，上面记录着一些愚蠢的评语和问题，并作为一种通行权由上一任邮轮总监传给下一任，同时也能够为活动司仪提供不错的即兴演讲素材。

帕夫洛夫赠给我的这本书上记录着不少怪诞问题，包括：“前往邮轮前部的扶梯在哪？”以及“厕所的水可以饮用吗？”和“船员每天晚上回家需要花多长的时间？”在我上任三天后，我收到了自己最喜欢而且能够写入书中的一个问题。当时，一名乘客拦下了我，然后抱怨无法找到自己的船舱。她说，邮轮停倒了。

所有乘客基本上吃的都是一样的食物

“海洋和谐号”冰箱的大小与纽约市一居室的公寓差不多，而且物品的摆放也是门艺术。在每次航行之前，库存团队会收到足够供20多个不同的用餐场所使用的原材料，以及船上2000名船员的补给。（总成本，包括至纸巾在内的其他消耗品，约为80万美元。）如果对订单需求预估过量，此次航行的利润就会降低（而且会造成浪费）；如过预估不足，那么一只椰香虾也有可能会引起游客的骚乱。

幸运的是，乘客的餐饮习惯基本上是可以预测的。在平均时长一周的邮轮上，皇家加勒比预估其80%的乘客均为美国人，将消耗约3000瓶红酒，7000磅鸡胸肉以及近10万个鸡蛋。

如果美国人的比例超过了80%，那么邮轮会预定更多的番茄酱。当中国游客比例增加时，他们会增加对水果切片、海鲜和大米的预订。拉美人会消耗更多的红肉和科罗娜啤酒（同时还需要更多的酸橙）。同时，针对家庭的春歇季邮轮则需要预订三倍量的鸡块。唯一一个从未发生变化而且与人种无关的物品就是厕纸。每周会用掉约9600卷。

每艘邮轮都有“感染暴发预防方案”，而且是一触即发

游轮上最恐怖的事情莫过于诺瓦克病毒的暴发。洛萨医生称，这种暴发总是源于携带病毒的登船乘客，而不是邮轮的卫生问题。

美国卫生部要求所有的邮轮都制定详细的“感染暴发预防方案”（OPP）。在和谐号邮轮上，通常的卫生条件被称为“OPP1”，一旦出现了“6名病人在6小时内生病”的情况，这一级别就会上升为“OPP2”。（一旦船员在宣传“洗手”一事上不再那么隐晦时，你就应该知道邮轮已经开始全面实施“OPP2”了。）

如果患病乘客比例进一步提升，而且级别达到了OPP3，那么邮轮将不再允许乘客们自己拿取食物。所有船员，从冰舞人员到花样游泳队员，都将在自助餐厅服役，帮助分发食物，而且所有餐厅和客房的桌布和床单都将放在红色的防生物危害袋中，并在陆地上的特殊设施中进行反复清洗。

花样滑冰者和资深船员克里斯·梅比说，如果想要避免诺瓦克病毒之类的感染，不要参加短途航行。“这些旅程一般会尽量压低价格，以吸引那些容易生病的老年游客以及那些将卫生抛之脑后的年轻纵酒客。”

海上最常见的疾病都有哪些？其中包括上呼吸道感染、淤伤以及奇怪的伟哥事故。由于不乏爱意浓浓的蜜月者，因此尿路感染也很常见，而且当乘客沉迷于其无限畅饮套餐时，服用抗生素也是十分危险的事情。

船员训练有素，好色乘客无可乘之机

正如帕夫洛夫所说的那样，与乘客有染的工作人员将得到“鸡肉还是牛肉”的问候，也就是说这类工作人员将搭乘第一个航班打道回府，而空乘人员将询问上述问题。

这个零容忍政策似乎是全行业的标准，皇家加勒比公司甚至为员工提供如何化解升级情形的培训课程。通常的情况是，度假乘客会试图引诱船上员工。“每当我与乘客照相时，我的两只手总是会竖起大拇指”，帕夫洛夫说道。“我的双手都放在显眼的位置，因此乘客也就无法以不当行为为由来投诉我。”由于摄像头基本上遍布邮轮的每个角落，在邮轮上偷吃禁果比抢银行还难。（但一些船员也会使用同性交友软件Grindr或异性交友软件Tinder来查看船上都有哪些乘客。）

但员工生活区却是名副其实的爱巢

由于拥有2200名船员，邮轮的员工生活区本身也是个小部落，船舱、酒吧、食堂、商店和健身房分布在0、1、2、3和12层甲板上。（大多数服务都源于称之为“I-95”的第2层甲板走廊。）

在员工之间，公司不仅允许约会，而且还会采取措施鼓励这一行为。因为员工在整个合约期都生活在船上，没有假期，通常1年要呆10个月的时间。他们都有自己的日常活动日程，从卡拉ok一直到扑克牌课和外语课等。由于无线网络十分昂贵，因此情侣只能靠模拟信号来传递相思之情。

在船上谈恋爱就像是按照狗年（狗的一年相当于人的七年——译者注）的概念来约会，也就是进程将缩短七倍的时间。多个船员曾称，她们与新男友约会一个月后便提出了同居要求，或者在遇到某人的第一周便抛出了“我爱你”的炸弹。由于双方的关系通常会在其中一人离船后结束，因此邮轮上的恋人们倾向于结成“终身伴侣”（几乎我所遇到的所有高层都是在船上结识其配偶。）

邮轮上有会变魔法的精灵

虽然大减价折扣帮助邮轮吸引了大量的乘客，但购买皇家加勒比的VIP会员才能够真正尊享奢华的体验。获得这一体验的最简单方式便是预定皇家套房星级舱。在海洋和谐号上，这一最最精华的舱位拥有10套最先进的客房，并能够为宾客提供特权，参观船上谢绝普通游客访问的场所，同时享受由一群“皇家精灵”提供的管家式服务。

这些训练有素的精灵将满足您的所有需求，但由于海上资源有限，因此对于服务创造力有着很高的要求。丹尼尔是其中的一名精灵，曾经有一对夫妇要求他在其房间摆满鲜花。由于无法获得真正的花束，他让面点团队烘焙了几十个花瓣状的曲奇，并将其洒落在房间中。当一个家庭因12月旺季航行而被拒之门外时，精灵安德烈将套房点缀了一番，并在临时搭建的圣诞树下放置了包好的礼物，让他们提前过了个圣诞节，并藉此给他们带来了惊喜。

“当船上有明星的时候，事情最为棘手”，安德烈说道。他曾为不少一线明星和其家人提供过服务，包括凯尔希·格兰莫、亚当·桑德勒和塞斯·罗根。他说，为了让他们能够在数千名乘客中享受私密的时光，“我们会在灯光暗下来之后让他们进入演出现场，然后在演出结束前5分钟带他们离场。”

不管你是如何拿到的VIP身份，或者不管你是否持有这一身份，我在船上的亲身经历告诉我，所有的员工都将一如既往地尽其最大努力，让乘客满意而归。如果你想要感谢他们，小费是个不错的选择，但是在评论卡上点名表扬某一位出色的工作人员会带来更好的效果。你的表扬会出现在他们的永久记录中，能够让他们享受到船上的一些福利，例如免费无线网络，并为他们的升迁铺平道路。（365娱乐场）

译者：Pessy

审校：夏林

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At a time when travelers are feeling more precious than ever about “authentic experiences,” the cruise industry is doubling down on the exact opposite: completely manufactured fun. Leading the pack is Royal Caribbean Cruises Ltd., whose mega-ships are destinations unto themselves: Its restaurants, casinos, Broadway-caliber musicals, silent disco parties, skating rinks, karaoke, dance clubs, and escape-the-room experiences are such strong lures, some guests don’t even bother to look up where the ship is docking.

So when the cruise line invited me to join the ranks as temporary director of its largest ship, Harmony of the Seas—which is as big as five Titanics—I knew I was signing up for the most manic week of my life.

As cruise director, my primarily responsibility was seeing to the happiness of 6,322 passengers and 2,200-plus crew. Over the course of a week, I had my hands in every department, from ship activities and entertainment to onboard revenue, making sure that everyone and everything worked in, well, harmony. From stocking the world’s biggest buffet and staving off gastrointestinal disasters to hosting celebrity guests, everything is 10 times crazier when you’re mayor of a city that’s floating in the middle of the sea.

There Is Secret Cruise Code Language

It’s crucial for the staff to have code words so that passengers don’t get freaked out if something goes wrong. A “30-30” means the crew is asking maintenance to clean up a mess; three times during my stint I called in a “PVI” (public vomiting incident). An “Alpha” is a medical emergency, a “Bravo” is a fire, and “Kilo” is a request for all personnel to report to their emergency posts, which happens in the event of, say, a necessary evacuation. Be wary of “Echo,” which is called if the ship is starting to drift, or “Oscar,” which means someone’s gone overboard. A crew member told me he’s had only four or five “Oscars” in 10 years of cruising.

Drunk Guests Can’t Outsmart the On-Board Bartenders

If you thought those all-you-can-drink beverage packages were directly correlated with drunk debauchery at sea, think again. Only eight to 10 percent of passengers purchase unlimited booze packages—Royal Caribbean’s guests are largely family travelers—and those who do are carefully monitored. Every single alcoholic beverage is poured with a jigger. Intoxicated passengers can have their SeaPasses (onboard credit cards) temporarily disabled, barring them from being served at any of the ship’s bars. As for the most popular alcoholic beverage ordered on board? It’s a cinnamon fireball shot.

According to Ivan De La Rosa, the ship’s senior doctor, the biggest issue involving alcohol is when the ship is docked in Cozumel, Mexico. Mix an afternoon of unregulated drinking on land at Se?or Frogs with tropical heat and a few glasses of Mexican tap water, and you’ve got yourself a guaranteed “PVI.”

Cruise Staffers Regularly Engage in Subliminal Messaging

The first thing guests likely see in their cabins is a gleeful jingle about hand-washing looping on their television screen. It’s catchy as a Katy Perry song and meant to steer you toward Purel pumps around the ship, each carefully positioned at high-traffic junctions (think entrances to the main dining halls and theaters) by senior staff. Along with the emcees’ banter at large group events—“Have you washed your hands 50 times today? I have!”—the jingle is part of the crew’s unwavering effort to stave off a potential Norovirus outbreak.

But sanitation is just one aim of the frequent subliminal messaging. Special promotions around the ship encourage passengers to scatter when certain areas become congested, and moving guests around the ship subtly encourages them to diversify (and increase) their onboard spending. If casino revenue is low, for instance, senior management might host a raffle or karaoke event at the far side of the slots to drive foot traffic and encourage passengers to linger (or better yet, play) a while. Activities managers will even film their daily newscast about onboard events with Starbucks iced coffees in hand, as a quiet reminder that passengers can get their venti latte fix on Deck Six. Often times, these veiled announcements are aimed at boosting the ship’s bottom line.

There Is a Cruise Ship Burn Book

Dru Pavlov, veteran cruise director and my mentor during this Royal Caribbean stint, keeps a hallowed book of stupid comments and questions; passed down from one cruise director to the next as a right of passage, it makes great vamping material for event emcees.

The book Pavlov bequeathed to me included such doozies as: “Where’s the elevator to get to the front of the ship?” Others include “Is the toilet water drinkable?” and “How long does it take the crew to get home every night?” My favorite contribution came three days into my tenure, when a passenger stopped me to complain that she could no longer find her cabin. The ship had been parked backwards, she claimed.

All Cruise Guests Basically Eat the Same Things

Freezers on board Harmony of the Seas are the size of New York studio apartments—and stocking them is an art form. Before each sailing, the inventory team receives enough ingredients for 20 different dining venues, plus servings for the 2,000-member crew. (The total cost, including such other consumables as paper towels, is about $800,000.) Overestimate the order, and the voyage becomes less-profitable (and wasteful); underestimate, and you’ll risk a riot over coconut shrimp.

Luckily, passengers’ eating habits are fairly predictable. On the average week-long cruise, Royal Caribbean estimates its guests will be 80 percent American, consuming around 3,000 bottles of wine, 7,000 pounds of chicken breast, and almost 100,000 eggs.

If more than 80 percent of the guests are American, the crew orders extra ketchup. When the percentage of Chinese passengers increases, they bump up the supply of sliced fruit, seafood, and rice. Latin Americans consume more red meat and Coronas (which also requires additional limes). And family-prone Spring Break cruises require three times as many chicken nuggets. The one thing that never changes no matter who is on board? Toilet paper. Around 9,600 rolls are used each week.

Every Ship Has an “Outbreak Prevention Plan,” With a Hair Trigger

Nothing is scarier to cruisers than a Norovirus outbreak—which ship doctor De La Rosa says is almost always caused by a passenger who has brought the illness aboard, rather than poor sanitary conditions on the ship.

The U.S. Health Department requires that every ship maintain a detailed OPP, or Outbreak Prevention Plan. On Harmony, regular sanitary conditions are called “OPP1,” and they get ratcheted up to “OPP2” when there’s a “6 in 6,” or six passengers reported ill in six hours. (You’ll know OPP2 is in full gear when the crew gets less subliminal about its “wash your hands” messaging.)

If the incidence rate escalates and the situation reaches OPP3, guests lose the ability to handle their own food. The entire crew, from the ice dancers to the synchronized swimmers, is recruited to the buffets to help serve, and all restaurants and guestroom linens are put in red biohazard bags and obsessively laundered in a special facility on land.

If you want to avoid Norovirus like, well, the plague, stay away from short sailings, says figure skater and veteran crew member Chris Mabee. “Those trips tend to be the least-expensive, attracting both older passengers, who are prone to getting sick, and the young booze cruisers, who forget about hygiene.”

As for the most common diagnoses at sea? They include upper respiratory infections, bruised bones, and the odd Viagra mishap. UTIs are also frequent, thanks to frisky honeymooners, and prescribing antibiotics can be hairy when passengers are committed to their all-you-can-drink packages.

Crew Members Are Trained to Deal with Handsy Passengers …

Sleeping with a passenger will get you “chicken or beef,” as Pavlov puts it—“That’s what a flight attendant asks you when you’re put on the first flight home.”

The zero-tolerance policy seems to be an industry-wide standard—at Royal Caribbean, there’s even staff training on how to defuse an escalating situation. More often than not, it’s a vacationing guest trying to seduce a crew member. “Whenever I take photos with people, I always give a thumbs up,” notes Pavlov. “My hands are visible, so no one can claim any inappropriate behavior.” And with cameras covering virtually every nook and cranny of the ship, it’d be easier to rob a bank than take a bite of some forbidden fruit. (Though some crew members still use Grindr or Tinder to get a sense of who’s on board.)

… but the Staff Quarters Are a Genuine Love Boat

With 2,200 crew, the staff quarters are a village unto themselves, with cabins, bars, a mess hall, shop, and gym set across decks 0, 1, 2, 3, and 12. (Most services are set off a second-deck corridor dubbed “I-95.”)

Among the crew, dating is not just allowed but tacitly encouraged—they live onboard through the entirety of their contract without days off, often 10 months a year. They have their own calendar of daily events that range from karaoke sessions to poker games and foreign language classes. And since Wi-Fi is pricey, romance is very much analog.

Coupling up on the ship is like dating in dog years: Things move about seven times faster. Several crew members recounted instances when they put in a request to share a cabin with their new boyfriend after only a month of dating, or dropped the “I love you” bomb within the first week of meeting someone. And since relationships often end once one person leaves the ship, cruise couples tend to become “lifers.” (Almost everyone I met in upper management met their spouse onboard.)

The Ship Has Genies, and They Can Perform Magic

Although bargain-basement discounts draw plenty of travelers to big-ship cruising, procuring Royal Caribbean’s VIP status can offer a true luxury experience. The easiest way to get it is by booking into the Royal Suites Star Class; the company’s crème de la crème offering includes 10 state-of-the-art apartments on Harmony of the Seas, with privileged access to pleb-free parts of the ship and butler-style service from a coterie of “Royal Genies.”

The Genies are trained to cater to your every whim, but with limited resources at sea, this can require real creativity. Daniel, one of the genies, once had a couple ask for their suite to be filled with flowers. Unable to secure real bouquets, he had the pastry team bake dozens of petal-shaped cookies and scattered them around the room. And when one family got locked out of a peak-season December sailing, genie Andrei surprised them with an early Christmas by decorating their suite and putting wrapped presents under a makeshift tree.

“The hardest thing to do is host a celebrity on board,” says Andrei, who has served a slew of A-listers and their families, including Kelsey Grammer, Adam Sandler, and Seth Rogen. To give them privacy amid thousands of cruisers, he says, “We usher them into shows after the lights go dark, and we grab them to leave five minutes before the show is done.”

No matter how you earn your VIP status—or if you’ve earned it at all—my time on board proved that the crew will always bend over backwards to make sure you leave satisfied. Want to thank them? Tipping is great, but comment cards that explicitly name standout crew members make more of a difference. Your praise gets noted on their permanent record, earns them such onboard perks as free Wi-Fi, and helps secure promotions down the road.